Guide to Making Long Haul Flights Pleasant (Enough)

“How long does it take to fly from DC to Australia?”

“Anywhere between 23 hours to 30 hours, depending on your connections and layovers.”

“That long?!”

“Yes. You are 10 000 miles away. Have you not seen where everything is located on a map?”

Let me tell you some little secrets about my long haul flight routine which leave me NOT utterly shattered on arrival.

Do not travel without

1.Ambien. Ask your health provider very nicely (plead if you really need to convince them) for a prescription of Ambien. Two tabs from LAX-SYD are going to be your saving grace.

2. Eye mask to block out cabin lights and signal to others that you are sleeping.

3. Earplugs of at least 30 decibels to block out screaming children, chatty passengers and any other disturbing background noise. Bonus if you have noise cancelling headphones.

4. Socks. Your feet will get cold.

5. Embrace Sleep Collar Travel Pillow. Chuck out every other travel pillow you own because they are all garbage compared to this one.

6. Travel toothbrush/toothpaste. Bad breath is gross and you don’t go to bed without brushing your teeth do you?

I travel without wearing makeup so I don’t need to worry about taking it off. Just a quick splash of water and a pat dry will suffice.

Routine

1. After take off you will receive your meal once reaching a cruising altitude. SUPER TIP! Order the vegetarian or gluten free meal ahead of time and you will get your meal about 30-45mins ahead of other passengers around you. This is the best because A) you’re probably so damn hungry B) you eat first C) whilst everyone else is eating, this frees up the toilets for you to use before you settle in.

2. After eating – go and brush your teeth and wash your face.

3. Return to seat.

4. Put on socks.

5. Put earplugs in and sleep collar on.

6. Take one tab of Ambien with water.

7. Put blanket over yourself and make sure that the seat buckle is done up OVER the blanket. If there is some turbulence and flight attendants cannot see your belt is done up, they will wake you. Unpleasant and unnecessary.

8. You are now ready for pass out time! Tune into a movie of your choice (if you are flying United LAX-SYD you do not have this option because their planes are ghetto birds with 1980s fixed screen aisle TV), relax and lower eye mask when ready.

If you awake 5 hours later – eat your snack, drink some water and repeat steps 1-8.

Happy flying and here’s to you actually arriving with your eyeballs in your head.